so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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