so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
