I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
