Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
