Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Randomize
