what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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