you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
