I hate your face
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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