dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
