Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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