happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
