When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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