I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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