Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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