Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
