it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
