I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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