i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
