i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
