When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
