My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
