my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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