Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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