I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
