bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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