remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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