Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
