I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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