seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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