Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
