Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
