Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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