she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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