My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
