My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
