; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My nipple is on Facebook.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
