I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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