I just saw a hot homeless man
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
