What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
