My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
