yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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