I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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