its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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