I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
