I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
