I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You ruined the universe
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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