Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
