Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
