i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
