So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
