I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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