If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
